"I've been here before a few times
And I'm quite aware we're dying
And your hands they shake with goodbyes
And I'll take you back if you'd have me
So here I am I'm trying
So here I am are you ready
And I'll miss your laugh your smile
I'll admit I'm wrong if you'd tell me
I'm so sick of fights I hate them
Lets start this again for real"
And I'm quite aware we're dying
And your hands they shake with goodbyes
And I'll take you back if you'd have me
So here I am I'm trying
So here I am are you ready
And I'll miss your laugh your smile
I'll admit I'm wrong if you'd tell me
I'm so sick of fights I hate them
Lets start this again for real"
- Always, Blink 182
I always thought i knew who i was, what i wanted and things I could do... you get my drift. I was also so sure of myself. I "knew" I would do the right thing. All this confidence in myself that i would never falter and never fail, or even if i did that it was because of some small error and that i could pick myself up again and just move on. I never did think that i would come to a point where i question myself and my motives and who i have become.
Granted I have never been the best of the best nor have i been the nicest. Who am I? Then? Now?
From the beginning i always said, "Hey, that's me. I am hyper, happy and perky" which was true to a certain extent. But that was also the me that kept all the sh*t to myself and i didn't show it to anyone. Maybe i should have kept things that way. None of this would have happened. But starting a relationship and taking a step into the unknown. That was a risk i was willing to take because i was smitten. The love bug bit me and i had fallen.
And slowly, i had to let the other me, the one i kept hidden come out bit by bit. Gone was the girl who couldn't and didn't cry in front of strangers. Gone was the strong face that held back the tears only to those whom she felt close to and comfortable with (most of the time just my pillow and my teddy bear). The emotions were let loose and the tears continued falling no matter where...no matter what. Chel, don't you remember? I hid in class because i didn't want anyone to find me and you did... and you told me it was the first time you saw me cry. And how shocked you were... I miss you. I will always hope that we remain friends forever but more importantly I will never forget this 7/8 years that you have stood by me regardless of the distance. (I have not forgotten all my other friends and I appreciate all that you have done for me all this while...=D) Chel, good luck in your future endevours. We are now going to be thrown even further apart. I wonder how this friendship will fare...
Why did i come to write this post? It is because the one hope that I was holding on to has seemingly left me. I now wonder, was i holding on to the past in the hopes that I wouldnt lose myself completely? Have i changed from what i was and if so, who have I become?
My boyfriend. For those of you that read my blog or know me, you will definately know who he is. After all these years of being together, I would be suprised if someone that knew one or the other did not know the TsN duo. Yes, we have our own "couple" initials. We even had a blog. This has to be one of most educational experiences I have had so far. The whole process of the relationship. You know the funny thing about this? Despite the fights and the fallings, I am still at this point wishing and hoping that we will be given a second chance, a chance to make things right, to make each other right again.
What happened? Years and years of emotional turmoil which caused one to take a step back and ponder. So now the other waits. Is this what we want? What we should be doing? With two months to go before i graduate and am finally free, i too wonder what lies in front of me. What lies in my future??? I want to say I love you, everything will be okay. But i know if i said it a hundred times, a million times... If the other heart is not willing, I cannot force it.
So who am I? Right now I am just emo. But i know who I am. Yes, things have changed. I have grown up, grown older. Its now the time to move forward, to find a job, to take on the responsibility of looking after myself when my parents have finally decided to set me free. And who am I? Probably still a lot the same on the inside. I don't mix well with strangers not at first anyway. Once i have found friends or people that i like i try to hold on tight and they are rarely replaceable and almost never forgotten. My longest childhood friend would be someone i met in Std 1, when I was seven and although things have grown apart, i still treasure the rare moments when we talk, when we catch up and when i hear from her.I don't take to physical contact well. I don't accept hugs or kisses or even a simple touch from a random stranger and sometimes even people i know. Its weird but I just dont feel comfortable when someone unknown invades my bubble. I know all this things. I know I wont get together with a guy i barely know no matter how much i want to, I know so far I have given guys a good chase but usually its over before it even begins. I know that i believe in fairytale endings. <---usually the cause of my downfall...
What else? I know i like watching and listening to music, even better when its live playing infront of me. I would get goosebumps when i hear something I really like or see something I really wish I could do. One band that never fails to get me to do that is the Enilyks because i love the vocalist and the other members have become friends. You might wonder, dont you get bored? Just standing and watching? But I am an observer. I can stare out a window, just looking at life below me, breathing in fresh air, having the sun in my eyes and I am happy. Its knowing I am safe and yet still connected to the world. Right now, writing all this, I wish i was there...at the edge of that bed, looking out that window and just waiting and watching.
I will be upset for a while. How are things going to turn out? I am still wondering and waiting... Giving it the time it needs. Focusing on what's important right now. Not to fear. I know I still have lots of options. When it comes to determination i know that is something I have a lot of. Sometimes too much. And the overconfidence and insecurity. Yes it is a weird mix but that somehow defines me. I can probably write a short book on myself. Oh yes, another thing I do love myself. Who doesn't? After all at the end of the day, besides God, you are all you have no matter who or how many people claim to love you.
I will continue this emotional rant another day. Hopefully by then I will have more answers or more stories to tell.
Granted I have never been the best of the best nor have i been the nicest. Who am I? Then? Now?
From the beginning i always said, "Hey, that's me. I am hyper, happy and perky" which was true to a certain extent. But that was also the me that kept all the sh*t to myself and i didn't show it to anyone. Maybe i should have kept things that way. None of this would have happened. But starting a relationship and taking a step into the unknown. That was a risk i was willing to take because i was smitten. The love bug bit me and i had fallen.
And slowly, i had to let the other me, the one i kept hidden come out bit by bit. Gone was the girl who couldn't and didn't cry in front of strangers. Gone was the strong face that held back the tears only to those whom she felt close to and comfortable with (most of the time just my pillow and my teddy bear). The emotions were let loose and the tears continued falling no matter where...no matter what. Chel, don't you remember? I hid in class because i didn't want anyone to find me and you did... and you told me it was the first time you saw me cry. And how shocked you were... I miss you. I will always hope that we remain friends forever but more importantly I will never forget this 7/8 years that you have stood by me regardless of the distance. (I have not forgotten all my other friends and I appreciate all that you have done for me all this while...=D) Chel, good luck in your future endevours. We are now going to be thrown even further apart. I wonder how this friendship will fare...
Why did i come to write this post? It is because the one hope that I was holding on to has seemingly left me. I now wonder, was i holding on to the past in the hopes that I wouldnt lose myself completely? Have i changed from what i was and if so, who have I become?
My boyfriend. For those of you that read my blog or know me, you will definately know who he is. After all these years of being together, I would be suprised if someone that knew one or the other did not know the TsN duo. Yes, we have our own "couple" initials. We even had a blog. This has to be one of most educational experiences I have had so far. The whole process of the relationship. You know the funny thing about this? Despite the fights and the fallings, I am still at this point wishing and hoping that we will be given a second chance, a chance to make things right, to make each other right again.
What happened? Years and years of emotional turmoil which caused one to take a step back and ponder. So now the other waits. Is this what we want? What we should be doing? With two months to go before i graduate and am finally free, i too wonder what lies in front of me. What lies in my future??? I want to say I love you, everything will be okay. But i know if i said it a hundred times, a million times... If the other heart is not willing, I cannot force it.
So who am I? Right now I am just emo. But i know who I am. Yes, things have changed. I have grown up, grown older. Its now the time to move forward, to find a job, to take on the responsibility of looking after myself when my parents have finally decided to set me free. And who am I? Probably still a lot the same on the inside. I don't mix well with strangers not at first anyway. Once i have found friends or people that i like i try to hold on tight and they are rarely replaceable and almost never forgotten. My longest childhood friend would be someone i met in Std 1, when I was seven and although things have grown apart, i still treasure the rare moments when we talk, when we catch up and when i hear from her.I don't take to physical contact well. I don't accept hugs or kisses or even a simple touch from a random stranger and sometimes even people i know. Its weird but I just dont feel comfortable when someone unknown invades my bubble. I know all this things. I know I wont get together with a guy i barely know no matter how much i want to, I know so far I have given guys a good chase but usually its over before it even begins. I know that i believe in fairytale endings. <---usually the cause of my downfall...
What else? I know i like watching and listening to music, even better when its live playing infront of me. I would get goosebumps when i hear something I really like or see something I really wish I could do. One band that never fails to get me to do that is the Enilyks because i love the vocalist and the other members have become friends. You might wonder, dont you get bored? Just standing and watching? But I am an observer. I can stare out a window, just looking at life below me, breathing in fresh air, having the sun in my eyes and I am happy. Its knowing I am safe and yet still connected to the world. Right now, writing all this, I wish i was there...at the edge of that bed, looking out that window and just waiting and watching.
I will be upset for a while. How are things going to turn out? I am still wondering and waiting... Giving it the time it needs. Focusing on what's important right now. Not to fear. I know I still have lots of options. When it comes to determination i know that is something I have a lot of. Sometimes too much. And the overconfidence and insecurity. Yes it is a weird mix but that somehow defines me. I can probably write a short book on myself. Oh yes, another thing I do love myself. Who doesn't? After all at the end of the day, besides God, you are all you have no matter who or how many people claim to love you.
I will continue this emotional rant another day. Hopefully by then I will have more answers or more stories to tell.
2 comments:
After so long, an update and some part dedicated to me? Of coz I still rmb, I hugged u when u cried remember? u silly gal.. Though we don't talk to each other every single freaking other day but you know we'll always be friends and I doubt the time difference will make a huge difference.. I'll always try my best to be there for you.. You know I will :) You know you always can emo to me and I'll be evil enough to scold you while you're crying so take that!!! :) I love you dearie..
couzy !
:)
*hugs*
this is life !!
it's all about self-searching .
hehe
muaks
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